TNN 79
Well people, ah back again, ah getting’ to be on time now…… an’ (deep voice)… Dis is TNN…. Is trouble!… In Arima…! Is Trouble… If dey touch me…! Is trouble…... (background music.. Kitchener)
Jumpstation: In meh own house; Cricket (mis)matches; Overseas; Games night.
“Those whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad…” said ole Billy-Boy Shakespeare…..
Well apparently prophetic words. Our PM Manday, in a fit of unusual paranoia, even for him, say IN Parliament dat he government under threat from forces who want to overthrow him an’ he cohorts. Plus to dat, de man went on to name de leader of de Opposition, a newspaper columnist, 2 University lecturers an’ a couple members of de Muslimeem.
He even say de President aggravating de situation by he actions an’ pretty much drag de man name into de dirt…well, really de Office of President, but fellas like Bas cyah see de difference between man and Office. Dat would be askin’ ah midget to play in de NBA!
De only person name de man leave out is mine… yuh see why ah must have “sobriquet” an’ “alias”. Nex’ t’ing yuh know de man “de-fang” de Cobra… well look my trouble!
Now tell me somet’ing.. if yuu know people bringin’ in guns, have
brought in guns an’ planning takeover, brudder, jus’ arrest dem an’ done
de story.. doh go in Parliament an’ warn dem!
“Hear nah t’ief, ah comin’ home 9 o'clock tonight, so if yuh plan
to t’ief come before dat……”
Yep,
dat is kinda reasoning we working on… an’ at de end of he “grand zaffaire” de man declare dat he takin’ over de Ministry of National
Security to stop all dis carnage from happenin’ (yuh remember Robbie refuse to
appoint de defeated candidate, Roy, to de post). Well, brudder if he in charge,
is now I frighten… de man like he have ah itchy trigger finger!
Ah paranoid Security Minister…?
So Bas ramble an’ ramajay, do he “robber talk”, wine dong, talk he talk an’ nobody eh say nothing…. den he say he was merely puttin’ de country on alert.. an’ de rest of de world too! Because once dat kinda stupid talk get out, rest assured yuh go get ah travel advisory in yuh pfeffen! So much for de “tourrrrists” dat Ass-I-Am was talkin’ about!
An’ of course he warn dat it have people who will stand by him an’ wouldn’t allow de government to fall, no way…. hhmmmm (ah call to battle, you say?). Of course we AG, Ramesh “Twist Mouth” was on defendin’ de PM but sayin’ dat he have full confidence dat de security forces could handle any threat ….so why bring it in public at all, den? Wat de public go do about dat?! Eh?! My Lorrrrrd…..
How much more can we take? If yuh have nothin’ to say, hush l’il bit, nah! Jus’ take over de National Security Ministry, indicating that you believe there are certain troubling events an’ move on… but he smart yuh know, all what we say was said in Parliament, so he could claim de cloak of “Parliamentary Privilege” so yuh cyah charge him for slander of libel… Apparently he learn he lesson from de las’ $600,000 he get in he waist from Ken Gordon!
As is
Carnival, I suggest Bas take he antics to de tent, an’ he come out as ah
calypsonian sobriquet.. “Prince
Paranoid” , “De Mighty Mout” or “De
Great Idiot”.
What more can I say? How often must I say it…? I have no more tears left to shed.. my fear is eroded away with grief.. here it comes again…. is like watching sequels to de same horror movie.
By the winged sandals of Icarus, how did we conspire to do dis?! If yuh could hurt yuh brain an’ imagine dis.. ZIMBABWE.. an underdog’s underdog.. had de West Indies 33 for 8 wickets an’ bowled dem out of 91! Thereby wringing victory from the very jaws of defeat (ZIM made 138 or something like dat….)
Ah mean.. words fail meh… how..?! What…! Was de ball invisible, was the match played in darkness? Did we realise dat de objective was to WIN de game?
Den nex’ match we beat dem t’anks to ah 70 and ah 66 from Lara and Samuel (poor fella, only 19 an’ havin’ to carry such shame!).
Well, you think dey was finish torturin’ we…?! No way… yet still we supporters drew breath, so de WI proceeded to lose 8 wickets for 41 runs against Australia on Thurs. night/Friday morning! Eventually they were bowled out for 123… now dat is ah improvement? Ent? Not so?!
Ah tired see men get out de same way, wit’ de same ball, playin’ de same shot… wha’ happen? Dey program dem?
Australia make de total without losin’ ah wicket! I doh know… maybe ah Prayer-a-Thon or rain dance or obeah or whataever is available… something have to give, (except de WI wickets!).
Right now people jus’ numb.. man eh sayin’ nothin’… no quarreling, no discussion, no suggestions… is like we drugged. CARICOM also have ah Committee working on rebuilding WI cricket… Wit’ CARICOM’s record of getting things done, dat should jus’ about seal de coffin!
I eh fraid to say ah lose some sleep over de cricket, but when in de las’ match I see 10 runs, 3 wickets, I switch off de damn TV! Ah here to watch ah game… an’ ah game implies competitors… what we competing for.. de shortes’ One Day match in history? De worst team to EVER play Test Cricket?! Tell meh somet’ing…. tell meh ANYTHING…!
Ah t’ink we get weself out in every possible way it have in de cricket book… when it come to fielding, we droppin’ catches like dey pay we… de bowlers lack penetration or variety… top order batsmen making silly simple mistakes…. we change de opening pair in dis One Day series more dan ah politician does change he story.. an’ still nothing doing.. people wonderin’ if (P)Adams go resign as captain, an’ somebody have de gall to suggest Carl Vooper come back an’ play an’ be captain to boot!
Look, if dey do dat atall wit’ Vooper, I goin’ an’ play for WI. It mean dat nothin’ doh matter anymore…..so on we go again to de nex’ match….. wha’ yuh t’ink go happen dis rounds?
Yes, is decision day Mon. January 29 2001… who will run de Tobago House of (Dis)Assembly…
Man t’ings heatin’ up too bad.. de Central government start to pave roads like mad (does dat soun’ familiar?).. dey gone over de House of Assembly (HOA) head sayin’ dat de HOA eh do nothin’ wit’ money, so dey come to show dem ah form….
Well one uproar start up… finally Charlo (head of HOA) say de agree to allow paving in certain roads..
Lo an’ behold, de government start paving ah nex’ setta roads, so de HOA park de vehicle to stop de paving, de Police make dem move it, den dey gone to court an’ get an injunction to stop all de paving….
I never see t’ing so… Of course Manday say dat de HOA preventin’ Tobago from developin’ (apparently he only remember de roads after 5 years, but dat was because he did not want to get involved. Question, why now, 2 weeks before election?).
Poor tobagonians… dey eh know what hit dem.. all dey know is dat de island like ah fishmarket an’ every party selling something.. Dey never know dey was so important..
Dis week it had ah clash, because UNC and NAR had dey meeting planned for de same place an’ day, wit’ a little difference in time, so who heckle who until UNC meeting had to pack-up an’ leave… no violence yet, much virulence in de platform attack…. even brudder fightin’ against brudder…sad but true…why people so stupid?
At de end of de day, yuh family is yuh family.. what is dem fellas to you, dey bring yuh up, dey support yuh when yuh was dong? Dey go be dere for yuh later? You sure ‘bout dat?! If dey didn’t need yuh, yuh t’ink dey woulda take yuh on?
Anyway, I jus’ glad it go be over by Monday night, pity it could not be earlier. Once again, a lot of personal attacks, nothing of substance or concerning the development of Tobago over the medium or the long term, or any attempt to really understand the poor people on de odder side. Any wonder dat the las’ general election, only 47% of dem vote? Now, it have PNM and NAR talkin’ about possibility of election fraud in Tobago an’ all dey eh want to do is go in de booth an’ see who de people voting for.. dey want to monitor every last aspect. A bit of overkill if you ask me!
But onward to the breach…. only de strong survive! We eh takin’ no prisoners dis rounds! Every man for himself! Leh we go…! Check for ah newsflash on Tuesday once we have de results… ah hope dis eh end up in court too….!
Well after all de heavy talk, ah t’ought ah woulda give alyuh ah l’il light t’ing to take home for de weekend…so consider dese games de Cobra devise…..
Yuh
know how we have interactive games now, when people could simulate an’ fight,
chop off man head, drive in car race, play basketball, football,
etc…? Well de Cobra decide to create some Trini games an’ alyuh
doh try an’ copy meh, eh?! It have jail in dat an’ meh lawyers ready
for anybody who t’ief meh ideas…!
NORTH-SOUTH
DEATH STRIP..
In
this game the player is a driver on the North South highway in Trinidad.
Now de road have more hole dan ah leaky watering can, followed by bumps
and depressions dat suddenly spring up on yuh like ah high phone bill (but
capable of doing much more damage!). Doh forget de bends which as yuh
turn, yuh does suddenly get cross winds hitting yuh car.
On one part of de highway, it was almost impossible to drive on one side
unless you an’ ah shocks company is fren…. How do you play it…?
Okay,
you are a taxi driver, so you are forbidden to drive below sixty m.p.h.
Driver must navigate and finish course in less than 15 mins to get bonus
points, go to a higher level /get your hospital bills paid.
Driver must look out for sharp curves with no warning signs, so that car
may swerve out of control at any minute. If
vehicle is light, crosswind may
flip car over without warning as one rounds these curves.
Potholes are strategically placed so that one has the option of swerving
into the next lane to avoid them, but running the risk of being hit from behind
by a maniacal driver who is already late for an interview and talking on his
cell phone. At certain
regions the road rises so that if one drives too fast, car may become airborne
at the top of a
bump in the road and crash down, causing neck or back injury (see bonus
points/hospital bills above). At
higher levels, driver is given passengers and much “pass change”
because passengers feel they must pay while car is travelling at 80!
Further, exit signs are placed such that one must take ones eyes off the
road to read them and then realize that your turnoff
(exit) is the next one. The sign is placed less than 50 metres from the turnoff and
you must change lanes to get there or loose
500 points. At highest level of
difficulty, driver must do course at nightime without decreasing amounts of
street lighting.
Optional
audio allows driver to hear shocks being trashed, axles bent because of
“jumbie” potholes, screeching of tires as one manoveurs into narrow turnoff
or chassis being trashed after going airborne and returning to road.
MAXI
MANIA
In
this game driver is placed behind maxi taxi on a crowded main road.
Driver left home with time to spare but must get past maxi to have any
hope of reaching appointed place within daylight hours.
If not, driver then has to
switch to “grovel” or “fight” mode
when picking up irate wife with fidgity children.
Obstacle
course involves trying to pass maxi when he stops in middle of road to pick up
passengers, while light is green. Driver
must attempt to overtake and not get (i) hit or sideswiped by car overtaking him
to pass same maxi (ii) crash head on into oncoming car.
As driver attempts to pass, maxi will pull off and swerve towards middle
of road, so that driver must blindly apply brakes.
At higher levels of difficulties, the car overtaking the driver will be
on the “blind spot” so driver must stick head out before passing.
Failure to do so (i) or (ii) will result in driver being penalised: he
will have TWO maxis to overtake! In
addition, “smokey Joe” maxi will now assume a position in front of driver,
so that carbon monoxide poisoning becomes a concern.
At
professional level, maxi will be a 25 seater instead of 12, driver will be under
25 and chatting with conductor, boom box will be going so maxi driver cannot
hear you honking, you must never stop car in all your manoveuring and as soon as
you overtake the big maxi, there
will be a small maxi in front which you did not see.
You will need to “splice in” before oncoming truck
“clean yuh up!”
The
best players have overtaken 3 maxis without needing to utilise the car insurance
option. Audio button with the most
foul expletives available at no extra cost.
A safety feature is an attached monitor on game which will gauge your
blood pressure and stress level: game will automatically exit you if you are in danger of
getting a stroke.
PEDESTRIAN
COURSE
The
object of this game is to avoid killing, maiming or disfiguring pedestrians who
cross the road with all the road sense of a chicken.
In this simulation pedestrians are waiting at a green traffic light; you must guess which one will jay walk first and if you can move fast enough and go around the idiot or hit him straight, fusing him with your engine block. You also have to look out for those who wait until the light is going from amber to green and start to cross---slowly.
You
have to fight the urge to knock down the full figured woman who sees you coming
a mile away at top speed and assume you will slow to allow her to cross.
You cannot stop your car, you must find
a way of easing past before the light changes back to red.
Annoying audio will start going off in your ear “Bounce me nah!” “ Bounce meh nah!” “Bounce
meh nah!”. Bonus points for
not cussing person unto the fourth generation.
The
advanced game comes in the package “School now over” in which driver is
confronted by a swarm of uniformed cretins spread out all over the road, who do
not hear car horns or appreciate the use of a pavement.
Even as car brushes against uniforms, students look back with look of
disdain. Bonus points awarded for not using the bull
pistle placed next to your car seat.
Special versions have night games in which persons wearing dark clothing
cross the street where there are no street lights. You must see them in time or forfeit game.
Other special versions have neighborhood urchins darting out from behind
corners, running after footballs into the middle of the road or riding and
skateboarding at the bottom of a hill while your car is approaching at full
speed. Deep drains and ravines for
car to fall into are optional.
CORRECT
DIRECTIONS
In
this last game, you are carrying your family on an outing to a beach house.
You have fish broth and curry and
in the car trunk with a cooler of drinks. You
must arrive at your destination before the ice melts and the drinks get hot,
before the fish broth gets cold like dog nose and the curry goes stale.
However, you need to get directions from Trinis on the way there.
Few persons get pass stage one in this game.
Examples
of directions include “ Go around de big plum tree (which is really a chennet
tree) after the nex’ bend on yuh right, pass ah blue house.. no is ah shop…
lemme see.. no is ah red house, den yuh will see ah nex’ road on yuh left with
ah coconut tree.. doh go dong dey…”
You will have to take directions from an old lady in a gallery whose
voice does not carry over barking pothound, from a child of barely school age
who is afraid to talk to strangers and does know his left from his right and the
resident village drunkard.
That’ all for dis week folks…. remember any queries, questions, comments, ole talk, hail outs etc, just write to we anchorman Cobra at ttcobra1@hotmailcom an’ we go get back to alyuh! Ah was going to forget calypso ..an’ go an’ plant peas in Tobago…but I am afraid…ah cyah make de grade (background music…Shadow)….….Peace…..
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